I want to begin by saying, it is not your responsibility to fix anyone. Not your boyfriend, or best friend, or mother. When it comes to those we care for, many of us will bend to the point of breaking in order to fix a problem that was never ours to mend. I don’t care if you’re a professional therapist, it is impossible for you to heal people. You’re only capable of helping them. The healing can only be done by that person, and that person alone.
I’ve witnessed very few relationships where traits like insecurity, jealousy or controlling behavior got better as the relationship progressed. A few I’ve lived through first hand, while others I’ve watched from a distance. I’ve been in a situation where I had my mind made up on wanting things to work with a particular person and continuously found myself trying to reassure them of everything they doubted about themselves. I’ve watched girlfriends of mine go from compromising to being compromised in order to prove themselves to a man who would’ve found an issue no matter her behavior because he was the issue. Do you know how emotionally draining it is to try and build someone? How much energy it takes to convince someone of something they don’t even believe for themselves?
For some odd reason we seem to tell ourselves that the further along we get with these people, the easier it will be to get through to them. We convince ourselves to hold on another week, month, or year because the change we’ve been hoping to see is right around the next corner. These people are easy to identify. You never know what side of them you’re going to get and they always need us to do something before they can be comfortable. They need us to post them on our social media pages, quit talking to our friends of the opposite sex, or include them in everything we do.
So many people will use their own insecurities to control you. We end up doing all of the changing, while they remain the same. Going above and beyond to prove our loyalty, our support all in hopes to provide them with reassurance. No matter how understanding you are, how much you change yourself will never be a reflection of the change you see in someone else. Why are you working overtime to nurse someone else’s uncertainties?
Helping other people can become addictive. Trying to save someone else’s happiness can easily overshadow our own. Incomplete people have a way of making others feel like the only way to prove your love is to match what they feel is necessary regardless of how unrealistic or unattainable the task may be. It should never be at the expense of your own joy. Too often we take people on as personal projects and hold ourselves accountable for how they feel and what they do.
Someone else’s happiness is not your responsibility.
Put an end to walking around on eggshells due to a problem you didn’t create. When people need change or healing, they have to acknowledge that within themselves. They have to want to save themselves in order for any of your efforts to have a positive effect on them. You can work tirelessly at trying to motivate them, encourage them, love them past their flaws, but if that’s not what they truly desire all of the energy you’re exuding is being wasted. People become whole on their own; keep that in mind next time you try to fill someones voids.